Log in


Mark was best described as eccentric but I had grown used to his " ways ". I knew he was exceptionally tidy and believed he was OCD. As we had not really lived together we had never really had to deal with each other......yet.

The first hint of trouble was the new house had white tiled floors and well, the Northern Territory has red dust. Mark would mop these floors daily but they stayed a dusty pink. As I wasn't working yet, I decided to give Mark a hand and clean the floors....REALLY clean the floors, even to the stndard suitable to someone with OCD.

Just after Mark left for work at 7.30am I got up and and got on my hands and knees with a scrub brush and a tooth brush. I cleaned the entire floor of that house, every room, centimetre by centimetre and the tiles were finally a gleaming white again along with sparkling white grout. It took me 6 hours and my knees were red raw. I was stuffing towels under them in the end to try and bear the discomfort, but I thought it would make mark happy to see the house so clean.

That afternoon when mark walked in the door and tossed his wallet and keys on the table, I waited for a reaction but none came. He grabbed the bucket and mop I had left by the door and started to mop the floor on automatic.

" hey whoa! " I started " look at the floor "

Mark looked and kept mopping.

" Stop! look how clean the floors are " I explained knowing it would be obvious to blind freddy!

Mark looked again and started to mop again.

" hey! I've cleaned all these floors today - the whole house - Look! " I insisted.

Mark gave the floors a derisive look " well, they're not done good enough " he snapped and went on to re-mop the entire house.

I stood in shock and realised this wasn't normal. I was in tears.

Mark wasn't cleaning dirty floors at all, he never had been - I was hurt so much effort was dismissed so flippantly and also suddenly aware, Mark had a psychological problem of some kind.

It was the tip of the iceberg I was to learn.

Mark would start to rant and scream and babble gibberish over the most innocuous disagreement.

I started to get frightened.

What was I dealing with?

One day after a " normal ' conversation deteriorated to Mark throwing his mobile on the floor repeatedly like a 5 year old's tantrum I had run out of reactions.

I'd tried reasoning, I'd tried yelling - he just seemed to get in the ' zone ' and he was off and ' on another planet ' I would joke to friends.

This day as he continued to thrown his mobile at the floor repeatedly and his reaction was not appropriate to what ever we had been discussing, I snapped.

" so we want to throw things on the floor and break them do we? " I started in the same way I used to discipline my children.

" well I can do that too " I went on.

I walked over to our brand new dining room table setting, picked up one of the new chairs and smashed it over the back of the lounge snapping the back with a huge crack.

Geoff was speechless and his jaw dropped.

" stopped now have we? good " I agreed - put the broken chair back under the table and went off like nothing had happened.

Mark didn't throw his mobile again.

I still have a dining setting with 1 broken chair.

But while I realised what I had done was eggagerated and over the top - Mark seemed to have no idea anything he did like that wasn't 'normal' for a grown man to do - he didn't see a problem with his own behaviour.

That frightened me, how far could he go and still think he was ' normal ' and his behaviour was acceptable?

Mark could open his mouth and say the most nasty and insensitive things.............and then later appear oblivious to their effect.

Being a logical person this made no sense to me.

Of memory I remember while we had been courting I had found myself pregnant and had broken him the news - only hours later, as we stood on a street corner ready to cross the road in Parramatta he looked down at me and said cooly " I don't want it ".

I was gutted - he had rejected me and our unborn child. We didn't exactly come 'separately' so I knew the relationship was over and prepared tor life as a single mother. Within 2 weeks however, mother nature had other cruel plans for me and I miscarried.

I hadn't heard or seen Mark for the intervening 2 weeks and I gave him the courtesy of a phone call from the railway station as I left the hospital to say I wasn't pregnant anymore.

The following Thursday he arrived to pick me up for shopping as if nothing had happened and I watched and marvelled how " it " was never even mentioned. He didn't ask how I was. I went shopping with him more amazed to observe him and see how he operated in such a separate state of consciousness to 'normal' people.

To this day - if I mention the day in Parramatta - Mark denies he ever said it.

Of course he did.....a woman doesn't forget thing like that - but apparently Mark can.

Another interesting window into his mental disfunction is his ability to edit his own reality to a convenient " Walt Disney " version.

My marriage lasted 2 weeks by definition - and then I knew something was very, very wrong with Mark but I just didn't know what it was.

He was in the army, they don't let ' nut cases ' in the army - so what was wrong with him?

Then started the debilitating doubt.....there must be somethign wrong with me!

Mark would start squealing like a pig during some of our more emotional confronting conversations, I had never seen anything like it, he would become incoherent and incapable of speech!

One particular night I was barricaded in our bedroom and had called the police, where they asked me to call them again in 15 minutes if he was still carrying on ( they could hear him in the background ) as police don't like to bring army guys in if they can help it.

I was trying to tell Mark to calm down and be quiet as the whole street could hear him, but he was ' in the zone ' and you can't make any headway with him once he's there.

Mark did calm down and the police weren't necessary but I had alot of polite " are you OK dear? " enquiries after he left for work the next day from the neighbours. When I told Mark this - he told me I was lying and had made it up.

I hadn't.

This ability to just ignore or edit reality to suit himself was a concern and within months, I'd bought airline tickets to leave him.

I told Mark this and demanded counselling.

To my surprise mark agreed.

What took place in counselling far from helping my marriage, only hammered a few more nails in the coffin.

Many years before, Colin and I had counselling when he had become first become violent and I had seen a man try really hard to work with counselling - I wasn't prepared for what I would see with Mark.

The counsellor was nice enough and we started and I told her what was going on and she moved the topic to Mark - who just stared at her.
She prompted him a little - he didn't talk. She rephrased the question - he just stared at her.

"ok well we can come back to that " she'd start diplomatically.

And we'd move the session forward, with any contribution from Mark.

The only thing he managed to say in 6 free marriage counselling sessions supllied by the army was he thought I could clean a bathroom properly.

I guess that's a compliment coming from a guy with obsessive compulsive disporder!

Every session was more pathetic, and the counsellor seemed to run out of ways to try and get him to talk.

Instead of helping, the counselling was a death knell to the marriage as I now knew Mark was more dysfunctional than I had ever imagined.

Mark was incapable of making an emotional sentence, he could talk about washing a floor or if i hadn't made the bed properly but he could not bring himself to say ONE word about how he FELT about me.

Mark didn't like people and didn't go out and only went to army functions if under orders to attend.

It made my social life just about non-existant.

However, Mark was a very intelligent man and we did talk very cerebral topics at times - and Mark's obsessive interest was WW2 English military aircraft of which he is extremely knowledgable and he collected models of them in every nook and cranny in the house.

I love Egyptian stuff - so I had never really questioned his interests.

Mark would often make a cup of tea for himself only and sit and drink it in front of you!

One day I'd had enough and told him how rude this was and it was good manners to ask the rest of the house who would like a cup of tea when you put the kettle on. I explained even the idea of making me a cup of tea for me without having been asked was a thoughtful thing to do.

I rolled over the next morning to find Mark's smiling face and a freshly made cup of tea on my bedside table.

After he walked out, I burst into tears.

It was the first nice spontaneous thing he had done for me since I'd arrived for the wedding.

It seems such a simple thing! Yet I had to teach Mark just making a cup of tea for someone was a nice thing to do - what the hell was I dealing with? If Mark was 45 and didn't know this - what else didn't he know?

The inherent problem in that Mark and I had such an overwhelming physical relationship while courting and living in separate houses - now we lived together 24/7 - Mark stopped wanting sex with me.

My experience being if your man is not having sex with you......he is having sex with someone else, immediately sprang to mind.

Mark and I had experimented while we were courting, we'd even been featured in a Penthouse article! But been there done that!

I certainly wasn't a prude nor judgemental and I was aware I knew things about Mark that no-one not even his first wife knew, but I never judged him on THAT.

I certainly judged him on how he treated me........and so far he was failing on that badly.

I was never going to get flowers, a smile, a cuddle or a compliment.....but I did finally get a cup of tea!

At work one day at my wits end I decided to google everything I knew ; lacks social skills, hates being touched, doesn't do conversation very well, OCD, intelligent, obsessive interests, paranoia.............

Aspergers Syndrome - a type of autism and only recognised in 1994.

I sat at my desk and burst into tears - he did everything on their list - absolutely everything!

I wasn't crazy................but my husband was autistic!

Where to from here?









Writer's Block: Daydream believer

If you could choose to control your dreams, would you? If so, what would you dream about?

Ironically you can control your dreams, its called lucid dreaming and with training you can achieve just that, control your dreams!

I know because I had a bad injury in the 80's and part of my pain control training was self hypnosis.

Under hypnosis you brain enters a set of brain waves very smilar to lucid dreaming, and absolute relaxation and focus is necessary.

And there's the rub, how can you be focused and be relaxed at the same time?

With lucid dreaming, you have to have entered the REM ( dreaming ) state before you can ' decide ' to lucid dream - but how to instigate that?

Under lab conditions the scientists usually flash red lights on the eyes when the control subject achieves the REM state and the control subject 'learns' when they see a red light they are dreaming ; in their dream this may manifest as a traffic light of the brake light of a vehicle but once CONSCIOUS they are dreaming - they enter the lucid state of being conscious inside their dream!

In my case, I trained myself that when I saw something absolutely ludicrous to the real world in my dream ; as I HAD TO be dreaming - I then switched to the lucid state. So if I saw my mother hanging upside down from the ceiling like a bat, I had to be dreaming ( as I would never see that in the real world )  and once I was CONSCIOUS of being in the dream state - I was in control!

So what earth shattering and life changing events do you under take in the lucid state?

In my case, I had sex with Tom Cruise!

Oh c'mon it was the 80's and I was stuck in a sexless marriage at the time!

When I got that out of my system - I went flying. That was lots of fun.

But I haven't had a lucid dream for some years now.


Writer's Block: Prone to puns

How would you describe your sense of humor in six words or less?

witty - clever - naughty - saucy - obscure - intellectual


It is a long weekend and I made an effort to take my teenage children to the Greek Glenti in town. I drank too much retsina, ate too many lamb souvlas and yiros and watched the sun set over an azure sea - it was a shame my bad ankle wasn't up to dancing yet.

I still cry myself to sleep over Rex all these years later.

Oh I function and I've had other relationships and even re-married but he's there always at the back of my mind as the epitome of unattainable " perfect ".

Oh I am not so unrealistic as to think if we had gotten together we would never have had bad days or an argument, but it would have been wonderful more often than it wasn't. I was happy.

I haven't really been happy by definition ever since.

After we ' broke up ' by definition it was a strange state to be in - we hadn't had a falling out - we hadn't fallen out of love - neither of us had actually done anything to create a defining moment of " over ".

The handwritten letters were the first to stop. Picking up a pen and knowing I couldn't write to him was torture.

We still exchanged phone calls and the occassional email.

I always remembered asking how he had been and having these extremely pointed conversations where on one occassion he had gone to Fiji on a holiday. He would rave about the girls and how they went snorkelling and the elder girl had tried native dancing and the other girl had gone paragliding and everything he spoke about was ' about the girls '. The fact he never mentioned his wife left me to ask " wasn't Helen there? "
" oh the bitch was there " he's snap as a throw away line " but you should have seen Katy dancing it was so funny......" and he bounce right back to holiday anecodotes about his daughters.
At the other end of the phone I realised what mind games he was playing ; he was living as if Helen wasn't even there.

I was heart broken for him.
Soon the emails became intermittent.
The phonecalls eventually slowed and while he played mind games in order to survive of existing with a woman he did his best to pretend wasn't there,  I did my best to have as many men in my life as I could, to try and wipe him out of my very being and soul.

I had to make what we had together ' not special ' - and I had my work cut out for me.

I think on my busiest day I met 3 different men - morning, noon and night - and I went to bed with all 3 of them.

To put it mildly I ' went off the rails' - off the fence at the local shopping centre, off the cubicle wall at the local night club and even off the freezer section in Woolworths at 1am.

Rex told me he was moving to Canberra to take up a new position.

One of my many beaus imported second hand Trans Ams to Australia and needed to take a run down to Canberra to view his new lot and asked me to go with him.

Pencil thin for the only time in my life from a combination of greif and neglect I looked fantastic in my little black dress! I matched the exotic 'low flying jet' I was seated in and we flew down the highway to Canberra with the road surface skimming centimetres from my face!

After viewing the vehicles and standing around, fully aware I was the ' trophy girlfriend ' being shown to friends - we stopped in a service station to get fuel for the trip back to Sydney..

I stayed in the car while my friend went in to pay for fuel.

A car pulled into the bowser beside us. It was Rex. He was obviously on his way to work or coming back as he had his suit jacket hanging in the back seat window.

I couldn't get out and call out. I just knew I shouldn't.  He was so focused on fuel and I was in such a low exotic car, he really didn't look in my direction but I stared and stared.

Soon my friend returned and we pulled out in the loud exceleration of a performance vehicle which caught Rex's attention and he looked up for a moment, I had already looked behind me over my shoulder but doubted he would have had time to recognise me.

I stewed on that sighting of Rex the whole trip home.

I knew when I went to Canberra I'd see him. I just " knew ", though statistically that was an extremely unusual event.

Fate wasn't finished with me yet.

I hit re-bound very hard eventually with a man who was just as lonley as I was, called Colin. Colin was a huge man, 6'7" and to put it mildly built like the perverbial brick shithouse and well, two lonely people falling into each others arms, with one on the re-bound, is a disaster waiting to happen.

Within a month I had moved Colin in with me - within a few months I already knew I had made a mistake.

From that point on I promised myself, I would never live with a man ever again. If I was going to live with someone, they could marry me!

Colin had been a heavy drinker in his youth but now had sworn off drinking, that didn't bother me, what eventually surprised me was exactly how recent his " youth " had been.

After 6 months, it was his birthday and I was going over to meet his mother.

Colin was a little rough around the edges, with grey hair and a weatherworn face, so when he sat me down and said " there's something I have to tell you before you meet my mother " I prepared for the worst. Was he gay? Did he have 5 love children in the Phillipines?

Given my history anything was possible! I'd already dealt with a not dead wife!

I was at this time a well preserved 35.

So when Colin confessed he was just turning 25 I nearly died! He was 10 years my junior.
I had myself a toy boy!

Later when I would meet his OLDER brother ( who looked 10 years younger than Colin! ) it only added to the confusion.

All I can say is heavy drinking is obviously very bad for the aging process and Colin was living proof.

The inherent problem with Colin was when I tried to get him to move out - he didn't want to go.
Also add to the fact he had stopped drinking but never dealt with the issues that had made him start in the first place meant he was a time bomb.

Colin would ' come good ' for a while and then go back to old habits.

We had after over a year moved into a 3 bedroom house by this time, near where my ex husband was living, so I could have access to the children and we had pinned hopes that the move would help the relationship, but it didn't.

During this time I remember going into town during our lunch break with some of the girls from the office. We were walking down a street in Parramatta, laughing and we turned a corner and in my haste I literally walked into the chest of a taller gentleman.

On looking up it was Rex.

Like a bad scene from a movie, neither he or I could hide the reaction of bumping into each other so unexpectedly.
Both he and I stammered and stared like bad actors and only the fact our respective friends were already busy attempting to whisk us off to an alternate destination, we were hastily frog marched onwards by our companions in opposite directions, accompanied by alot of lingering backward looks.

As we walked a polite distance all my friends stopped " what the hell was that all about? " they demanded and I knew we had been glaringly obvious.

One of my closer friends already had it pegged " that was HIM wasn't it " she started and all I could manage was a nod.

I have no doubt Rex faced the same inquisition from his companions.

When we did take each other's phone calls Rex listened patiently to my problems with Colin with growing concern. I understood he seemed to come across now with fatherly or brotherly concern and I knew he still loved me.

Rex told me he was moving up to Sydney permanently.

When I had bumped into him in a Parramatta street he had been up undertaking interviews for the new position.

In the fickle hand of fate I was obviously a play thing for where should Rex move to in Sydney? The street next to Colin's mother!

I lived in terror of seeing him or bumping into him playing ' happy families ' and I did catch a glimpse of him once walking his dog as I stood up stairs while visiting Colin's mother.

I just froze at the top of the stairs which had a lovely picture window that allowed natural light into the stairwell. I knew his gait and looked again at the man approaching the house, I recognised him and leant close to the glass just watching him pass by..........and he was none the wiser. I could see him and he couldn't see me.

It was agony.

I later told him about it.

3 years into my relationship with Colin - it was on its last legs. He was now starting to get aggressive and almost violent...it was only a matter of time.

To my surprise, Rex called and invited me to lunch and I agreed.
This was the first time we had met with a purpose for 3 years.

I so enjoyed seeing him again and he was just as handsome as I remembered him and I was so tense.

I so wanted to be in his company but lived in terror of him touching me. I knew if he held my hand or made a move to kiss me I wouldn't stop him!

Rex knew enough of Colin's insane jealousy to drop me around the corner. The meeting had been nothing but platonic but given Colin's irrationality he would in his mind have had us having sex in the restaurant toilets! ( needless to say with me being fully capable of doing just that, didn't help my case! )

I always remember Rex asking me how I felt as we sat in the car and I was honest " terrified " I admitted.

Rex pulled a face.

" I spent the whole luncheon terrified of you! I knew if you made a move I'd have folded like a deck of cards " I explained.

Rex started laughing " Oh my god I was just as terrified of YOU for the same reason "

We both laughed hard at the irony.

That was the last time I physically saw Rex.
I used to have photos of him and a handerkercheif he leant me - but I burnt them. I knew I would pull them out and just stew over them so I left myself in a position where that was not possible.

In 2006 my daughter accidentally left an umbrella Rex had given me at a bus stop. I cried myself to sleep for 3 days.
It was just a blue and white corporate umbrella for goodness sakes! But it was my last physical tie.

Rex had complained to me for years about having to attend ' marriage counselling ' - he hated it and considered it a waste of time because as far as he was concerned the marriage was over.

But he played the game.

Finally in 2004 he told me my existance had finally been revealed in marriage counselling. It had only taken 7 years to come out.
" what happened? " I asked, a little nervous as I had known about Helen's existance for some time but she now knew about mine.

" she asked if I loved you " he said.

" what did you say? " I asked

" I lied and said No " he admitted.

Soon the phone calls stopped. I didn't mind - hearing his voice stirred too much up.

Every email I started to get from Rex would always end the same way " are you married yet? "

That was always answered No.

Rex and I would go a year or two without any contact and then have a brief glimmer of emails to touch base and then fall back into the abyss.

In 2001 I was finally free of Colin by way of having to take out an AVO through the courts!

Then in the October of 2001 I met Mark at a local restaurant. Mark was in the army.

It was a long and awkward period of courting. Mark had been in Timor and his 1st wife had run of with one of their friends while he was overseas, so he was a trifle gun shy about marriage and I wouldn't live with him unless I was married.

So from 2001 - 2006 we maintained two separate households and I lived in my own house - and he lived in his.

In 2006 I got one of my periodical emails from Rex asking the usual and ending in " are you married yet? "

This time I had to answer " Yes, I will be - my wedding will be in September "

Rex stopped emailing immediately.

But for me I knew, it was because that was his last tie.....HE had wanted to marry me. He really had. It hadn't just been a sordid affair, we had gone and made the most destructive mistake of all....and fallen deeply and passionately in love. He had wanted to marry me, look after me and have children with me and now I was going to be someone else's wife.

I was ready for ' happy ever after'!

I had a quickie army wedding in an army chapel on an army base with no real guests except my children and men in uniform I didn't really know, because Mark was being posted to another location.

There was no reception - we went home and went to sleep as I had only stepped off the plane 24 hours before.

Mark promised me a " proper wedding " and a " proper honeymoon " after we were all settled.

This was the first of his lies.

I moved to the opposite end of the country as a dutiful army wife and within a matter of weeks my marriage was already over.

So much for ' happy ever after ' - and this time I was stranded in a strange state, in a strange city, totally isolated and with no where to go with a man I couldn't trust.




Writer's Block: Book based

Is there a book you really loved that was subsequently turned into a movie? Did it live up to your expectations? Why or why not?

In my early 20's I devoured a series of Books called ' The clan of the cave bear series ' by Jean Aurel.

I used to line up at bookstores before opening, standing in cold and rain to get each new book and I'd read it hungrily in a matter of hours - unable to stop. I adored them!

As a writer, there's nothing better than reading something you would have enjoyed writing yourself!

I had toyed with a very similar story line in my late teens and as my then boyfriend would often remind me " didn't you write something like this? " much to my annoyance - the difference being that Jean Aurel was successful and I was not!

Yet another lesson I'm sure many writer's experience when they see an idea or concept they are working on suddenly emerge as a fully fledged hollywood block buster and years of work is wasted!

The storyline was based in the neolithic period ( cavemen ) and having later achieved my degree in Archaeology, it was a subject with which I was familiar.

That was why I loved the books, they were properly researched and plausible and the author even worked known artifacts that were real and actual objects in museums into the storyline.

So if you knew nothing on the subject you could enjoy the books, but if you did have an interest in the neolithic period you enjoyed the books at a whole different level.

The basic story was a homo sapien girl ( modern like us ) whose parents died in an earthquake being raised by Neanderthals ( an ancient race of man that went extinct ) and the survival of people in the brutal world of the ice age.

Its a coming of age story, and the 'ol under dog comes out on top scenario.

When it was announced the first book was becoming a movie I was beside myself!

I can only imagine what the readers of the ' Twilight ' series thought when they heard the same news.

The main character of the Clan of the Cave bear stories was a blonde girl called Ayla.

If they got the casting wrong on this it was going to be a disaster as the whole series rides on this character's experiences. SHE IS THE BOOK.

When I heard who was playing the part I remember the disbelief. The whole plot revolves around Ayla being physically and mentally strong and extremely intelligent and intuitive. ( hence why she survives the length of whole series! )

They chose Daryll Hannah.

Daryll Hannah was a bloody mermaid for christ's sakes with Tom Hanks! She was the epitome of a blonde bimbo and NOT what Ayla was about at all.

I had my reservations but trotted along with everyone else to see the movie.

I wasn't dissappointed - it was an unmitigated disaster.

Given Ayla doesn't learn speech for a great part of the first book ( Neanderthals were believed to have not been capable of speech at that time - since disproven by recent finds ) this was going to entail alot of non verbal acting - which are tradtionally what blonde bimbo actresses do not have the skills to  handle and Daryll Hannah almost made it a comedy.

It was pathetic.

All I remember was the incredulous look of my then boyfriend as we left the theatre when he joked " and THAT'S the crap you have been raving on about for months? "

It actually wasn't. The books were nothing like the movie. Even the editing was all wrong with pivotal scenes that explained later events omitted - which left people who hadn't read the book confused.

My boyfriend spent half the movie hissing at me " why in hell is she doing THAT? " and me having to hiss back a quick synopsis of a missing chapter.

Fantastic books...............that Hollywood wrecked totally.

Never see the movie.................ONLY read the books!



Writer's Block: Oh no not I

How do you recover from a bad break-up? The proverbial pint of ice cream? Quality time alone? Going out with friends? What are your personal healing strategies?

I can be politically correct in my answer, or I can be honest.

I have only really only one earth shattering, earth please open up and swallow me I want to die bad break up in my life and I literally lived that Alanis Morrisette song ' you ought to know ' and I worked to the adage I hoped everytime I scratched my nails down some other guy's back he'd feel it.

I realised after that seminal event, that later, even in rather benign and not so emotionally draining break ups, I jump right back on the 'ol horse again, ALOT.

Even in the midst of this sexual merry-go-round where I call every guy " sweetie " or " darling " because I cant remember his name and to avoid the sexual fau pax of screaming out the wrong name during sex ; every guy is god. ( to which I have found they generally don't actually complain about, let alone notice - which could be just the male ego in general - or they're too focused on the sex to notice what's coming out of my mouth.................as long as its not the WRONG name......as there's usually too much probably going into my mouth at that point in time anyway )

I know its not healthy!

And I know all the health precautions.

OK in ' South Pacific ' in the 40's it may have been the done thing to " wash that man right out of your hair " but I find generally washing a new man every couple of days in the shower usually works for me.........and soap him up good!

Then after the initial frenzied couple of months, I calm down and resume being an almost respectable member of society again.

Its like I have to shake off all emotional intimacy that was involved in the broken relationship and the best way to do that is to have impersonal relationships that totally lack emotional intimacy and are purely physical. 

Somehow, it works for me.

Writer's Block: Top Three

What three qualities do you like most about yourself, and why? What qualities do you like least?

When I was younger I liked  that I was intelligent and righteous and  my ability to hide my true feelings where needed, but what I liked the least was I never thought of myself as that attractive and I was incredibly impatient and I seemed to be fickle where men or relationships were concerned.

If you crossed me - that was it. Do not pass go - so not collect $200 - you're off the board! No second chances where I am concerned. If you breach my trust, you're out!
That same rule applies to ex husband(s) - my mother - and even my daughter.
Once I have trusted you and you breach that trust - you're on the outer regardless of if you are family or not.
Of course my skill I admire in myself ; hiding my true feelings ; means I can still give the APPEARANCE of functioning in a relationship I may no longer actually be emotionally  " in " ; which I have used with my mother for years.

Now I'm older and mellowed I still like that I am intelligent, but being righteous became a burden.

As the one always doing the ' right thing ', meant I inevitably got taken advantage of, because other people lie and cheat and play the advantage and I'd be there trying to 'play nice' and ' do the right thing' and I'd get walked over!

As a result I'm not that idealistic anymore.

My ability to hide my true feelings is still coming in handy as I find myself stuck in a loveless marriage with an autistic I have to play out to the end until my kids finish school............... 2 1/2 years to go and counting! Luckily with an autistic, I don't have to try too hard because as an autistic they don't do people well in the first place - so he hasn't got a clue.

Age and becoming a mother to a son with a learning disability taught me patience - so I gained that as a quality I previously lacked when I was younger.

I liked the least, my appearance and my attractiveness when I was younger but I did have a point in my life where that did a 180 for just over a year and I felt I was the most beautiful woman in the world and 10 foot tall and bullet proof!

That was an anomaly really in what I think of my own qualities - I'm back not liking my appearance again.

But in loosing my righteousness to age, now I've realised I'm quite a good liar....and I don't like I am quite so good at it.

In an irony, in the wisdom acquired with age I've become the very kind of hypocritical, two faced person I would have loathed when I was young, idealistic and righteous!



Friday 4/6/10

Well, I'm 47, the birthday has been and gone - current husband forgot about it ( as if I didn't see that coming ) its a Friday night and I'm stuck at home alone..................typing this journal.

I really need a life..............I had one of those once.

When Rex came to my unit all those years ago, all I could do was just stare at him and think about the lies he had told me. I had dinner ready and we drank tea ( I never acquired a taste for coffee ) and things seemed so normal, I could almost pretend it was.....except now I KNEW he was married and had a very much ALIVE wife.

No wonder Charles had not been afraid to meet him, it took a 'cheater' to know one.

Very calmly I asked about his trip up from Victoria and all the usual chit chat and very quietly threw in " and how did Helen like the the school function she attended with you on Wednesday? One of the girls were performing in a play I think? How did Helen think Katy went? " I said acting absent minded.

The look on Rex's face was not one I had expected. I thought he'd be angry.

I already had tears running down my face but I hadn't broken down.

Instead, it was Rex who broke down.

Rex was a tall man, over 6'4" and very dapper in his Armani suits. He was a sailor and had sailed in the Sydney to Hobart one year and had a very confident manner about him which no doubt helped him in business.

But to watch this veneer crumble and fall before my eyes was a huge shock and soon he was sobbing like a child. Soon we were both just sitting on the lounge holding each other crying like babes in the wood.

And we were very deep in the dark forest I was to learn.

Rex admitted it was true and my obvious question was why?!

" if I had told you I was married that day we met at your office when we met would you have had dinner with me? " he demanded

" No " I admitted

" But to say she was dead? " I started thinking it was an awful thing to say.

" well she's been dead to me for years " he admitted and slowly the full sordid story came out.

Two years previously after 2 years of no sex, no affection and being treated very unkindly by this woman he called wife, Rex had had enough and visited his parents and told them the marriage was over.

They were very supportive of his decision to end the marriage and he made arrangements to leave............eventually only staying for his young daughters.

By the time he had met me he hadn't had sex for 4 years! Needless to say my libido helped him make up for lost time!

" What do we do now? " I asked " stop seeing each other? I can't do this " I admitted.

" oh no! " Rex started " I have meant everything - I love you - I still want to marry you - I want to have my vasectomy reversed - nothing has changed, its just more out in the open now. I am going to see my parents and tell them I finally leaving Helen "

I was so happy!............................................and terrified.

Ever since I realised I could see dead people, I have had what I call my ' spidey sense ' and it was screaming ' this is not going to end well '.

Needless to say as a result I have rarely had any real surprises in my life and now my gut instinct Rex was ' too good to be true ' was indeed a reality.

My mother had always said ' if something seems too good to be true - it invariably is "

Don't you hate it when your mother is right?

Things were just as wonderful and as passionate as they had always had been but now edged with a desperation.

But love conquers all...........right? So things had to work out OK in the end.......right?

The meetings continued, the letters, emails and phonecalls continued.

I even confronted Rex about how often had he had affairs?

Rex confessed never, he had just seen me smile at him in the office and he had been lost in the moment.

It was stuff romance novels were written on........and i was living it.

There I was convinced i wasn't that attractive and I had captivated this man with a smile? How did I do that?

Looking back, I know Rex was telling the truth - I was his first affair and I knew that because he had been so damn bad at it!

For example Rex took me to his small country home town in Victoria and hugged and kissed me in the main street!

After I found he was married I reminded him of this! It was a bloody stupid thing to do.

Rex admitted that had caused a lot of comment from his male colleagues who thought he was a ' hero ' and looks of disgust from the female staff...................one who was the secretary who would later make the pointed comment to me who exposed the situation and Andrew now explained was best friends....with his wife.
So everyone in town was aware in the end he was having an affair, even the best friend...... except the wife.
He had been asked about me so often in the end, I became a economics banking student that he was mentoring, needless to say his male colleagues winked when he said that one and the inevitable jokes about what mentoring entailed!

On another occassion he came to Sydney for a Banking function and was put up in an expensive top rate hotel with other bank managers from all over the country.

Rex had a room on his own and he inevitably invited me to share it.

It was also very convenient my work was only a 15 minute walk from the hotel - so I took an overnight bag and stayed with him in the hotel for the 3 days.....not that we left the room much anyway.

We didn't sleep and would both toddle off to our respective places we had to be the next morning - exhausted and half asleep.

What I didn't find out until after the ' truth came out ' was that even expensive top rate hotels despite their prices don't have very good soundproofing in the rooms.

Rex on this occassion had a manager from Perth on one side and a manager from country new South Wales on the other.

Later over breakfast, they both confronted him about the noisy porn movies he had played all night and couldn't he have invited them to see them as well?

That was no porn movie, that was me.

I'm loud.

When I left for work the next morning in my little black dress and high heels looking very sophisticated and office like as I strode across the foyer, I turned arounf to wave at Rex who was leaning on the railing of the first floor which overlooked the ground floor atrium watching me leave.

But I stopped and had second thoughts, as there seemed to be about 8 other " suits " all trying to look inconspicuous hovering outside their respective doors, all taking note of my departure.

I was notorious apparently!

I just didn't know it.

We would go to Manly by ferry every chance we got and sit in the sunshine and watch the water and eat icecream.

As a sailor he loved the ocean and having been brought up in a fishing family, we had always been by the sea, I was as happy as a clam!

He would hold my hand, he would hug me, he would be so affectionate and kind...........and perfect.

I knew his trip to another state to confront his parents was approaching and I can remember the last time we made love like it was yesterday.

We finished with me on top and we sat and just stared at each other not speaking.

Rex and I so often thought alike we could finish each other's sentences, we had times that we didn't need to speak.....and this was one of them.

No-one spoke but it was like we knew this was the last time.

Part of me told me everything would work out well, Rex was so confident, his parents had been so supportive of him ending his marriage to Helen before, this was a piece of cake!

I didn't want to move but I was going to be late for work.

I remember steeling myself. Rex wasn't making any demands I move either.

Couldn't we just stay wrapped in perfect a little longer?

I know Rex had every same thought I did.

And the moment was on me, and I flipped myself off and out of bed.

It was like my heart was ripped out at that moment. I can write that here and it is still as fresh as it was that day.

Weeks later I knew Rex had visited with his parents an I awaited his phonecall.

I had even gone out and bought a suitable evening/ wedding dress in an effort to be positive! Love conquers all......right?

The day the phone rang and Rex just said " hello "......I knew.

There was no happiness in his voice, he sounded like his soul had been ripped out and I knew.

I acted all fine and cheery at the end of the phone - but I was collapsed against the wall in a silent scream. I knew.

To hear Rex tell it - he decided to tell his father. They went to the football together and it was during the game, Rex brought up about leaving Helen and seemed to get the same support he had received previously - bolstered by this he revealed my existance and his father's demeanour changed instantly.

It was one thing to leave your wife.....and quite another to leave her for the woman you have been secretly having an affair with for the past year and a half!

Rex's father was furious and left Rex in no uncertain terms he did NOT have his support and added the condition he was NEVER to tell his mother of the conversation.

It was weird, I already knew.

I knew how much Rex's parent's meant to him an even as an adult I knew he would not openly defy his father.

Rex came to Sydney one last time and we just had tea......in a coffee shop which was my way. I love the aroma of coffee, I just can't bring myself to drink it!

We just stared and sipped and looked and sipped and didn't say much.

" I'll stay your mistress its ok " I assured him tears streaming down my cheeks.

" I can't have you wait for me - I don't know how long this will go on - the girls are only 9 years old! " he explained.

" I'll wait " I insisted.

" I can't have you wish your life away " he said and leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

We hugged and walked off in opposite directions, I can't yet say to never see him again..........if you believe fate plays a part in ' true love ' I agree it does......in yet to be revealed infinitely cruel ways.








Writer's Block: The second time around

Do you think it's possible to fall in love with the same person twice in a lifetime? Or do you believe everyone gets just one chance to make it or break it?

Having only been truly in love with one man in my life ( who isn't either of my husbands ) I know I just got it once only.

Everyone else just isn't him.

Circumstance meant we couldnt be together - not that we didnt love each other or the relationship broke down. His family dissaproved and his family meant alot to him and he didn't want to defy his father and create problems for his young daughters and he was deathly afraid of the wrath of his vindictive wife who may take his children away if she found out.

However, that was 13 years ago.

I've never been out of love with him, though we may not speak/ email for 2 or 3 years at a time.

If he turned up on my doorstep tomorrow and said he was free - I'd drop tools and go off with him without a second thought.

My 2nd marriage is on the rocks anyway...because my husband isn't as good to me as he was.

No man has ever treated me as well as he did.

I first thought if I kept looking I would find someone as nice and I'd move on but no-one compares.

I found perfect ( emotionally ) and there's no going back from that. Everyone else just doesn't measure up.

I don't think you get a second chance with anyone else.

At first I thought it was possible...............13 years later I don't.